One of "those" days

Do you ever have them? Days where you feel like all hope is lost and you just want to stop fighting. It seems like a relief to even begin to let the thought in and accept that maybe you weren't meant to have any children or any more children.

Well, today is one of those days. I'm on day 33 of my cycle which is pretty abnormal. Last month, I had a 40 day cycle and thought it was just one of those things. Before my surgery and even after the first 3 months, I was 28 days like clockwork. I'm wondering what in the world is going on inside my body.

You know the worries. "What if I'm peri-menopausal now on top of everything else?", "Maybe I'm going to need IVF", "I should start looking into surrogation in India" or "My husband was adopted. Maybe we should just adopt".

The sad thing is that I'm sure many of my friends and family have thought this about us and our situation many times. I try not to put too much worry into their concerns. I know they love us and we love them, but this is our journey. I electively underwent a C-section pre-pregnancy in order to carry another one to term.

But, then, there are stories that are so inspiring and bring tears to my eyes. I just found out that a fellow Abbyloopers friend. Well, I should mention that Abbyloopers are women just like me all over the world. Most have lost multiple babies, found out that they have incompetent cervix (IC) and that a traditional TVC has a high rate of failure (pre-term delivery) so they opted to undergo the transabdominal cerclage. A transabdominal cerclage is a serious abdominal surgery. The surgeon makes a 2 1/2" to 4" (depending on the woman and if she is or isn't pregnant) in our abdomens in order to reach the top or neck of the cervix (os). They then place a band of very strong material around that neck so that it can never dilate again. This means that we will all need to have C-sections. Some RE's and maternal fetal medicine specialists (MFM) think that this is too invasive. The general consensus amongst those of us that have had this procedure done is that we are not willing to take the risk of having another baby die in our arms so we elect to have this procedure done.

And, most of the time, our insurance covers it. Their thought is that we would be extremely high risk to go on and deliver a pre-term baby in the future without this procedure. Believe me, they have doctors on their boards that study the statistics. The statistics for a transvaginal cerclage are between 80%-85%. This may be okay for most women, but for those of us that have been in that other 15%-20%, it isn't acceptable. With a traditional transabdominal cerclage, the success rates are 95%. (I should mention that there is also a procedure called a laparoscopic transabdominal cerclage done through tiny incisions in the belly button and pubic bone, but that success rate is slightly lower than that of the traditional TAC.) Finding a very experienced doctor is crucial because it is possible to get the band too tight resulting in difficulty becoming pregnant or too loose resulting in pre-term delivery. I found the "cream of the crop" in Dr. Arthur Haney who has been doing these operations for 23 years. He, personally, has a 99% success rate.

Well, you know what? I'm beginning to feel a little more optimistic now after going through all of that.

You know what it reminds me? It reminds me that I am not alone. That there are many other women and doctors out there that have been through what we have with themselves or their patients and that care. They truly care. There is a sort of bond between these women and doctors that is like a sisterhood. I trust my doctor implicitly and can't wait to be one of his success stories.

Now, onward soldiers!!! :)